


Nobody Else (Could Ever Come Close)

by cheritsundere



Series: Say You'll See Me Again [4]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: AU, AYYY IT'S, Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Embarrassed Killua Zoldyck, Eventual Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Everything is the same except people have these things called Troubles, First Crush, First Meetings, Fluff, Friendship/Love, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Killugon Day, Kinda, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Blood, Past Child Abuse, Purple Prose, Slow Burn, There...really isn't a tag for that type of AU but yeah, Tsundere Killua Zoldyck, woooooooooo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-18 00:07:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28608771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheritsundere/pseuds/cheritsundere
Summary: “You didn’t feel that?” he asks.“Feel what?”There’s no way - it was impossible, right? You don’t just not feel that type of torment from his touch. Not even his dad or grandpa could take a handshake from him but this kid. This kid felt nothing?He grabs Gon’s hand again and holds it this time, taking in the boy’s expression for any signs of discomfort - for any signs that he was being affected at all - and nothing.Instead, Gon’s smile only increases and he threads his fingers into Killua’s before giving a little laugh. “Oh! You meant if I felt how well your hand felt in mine just now? I get it, then yeah, I did! I didn’t know Killua was such a romantic!”-Or, an AU in which Killua hurts people he touches, and Gon can't feel pain.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Alluka Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Series: Say You'll See Me Again [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1632319
Comments: 21
Kudos: 202





	Nobody Else (Could Ever Come Close)

**Author's Note:**

> You know when I said I was going to add another fic to this collection back in July? Heh.
> 
> In other news, it's the 7th of January which means it's officially Killugon Day!! Woo!! In celebration of that, I went ahead and finished one of my old drafts that I never got around to publishing, way back when I first watched HxH and decided "eh, what the hell. Why not?" This AU was inspired by one of my other favorite shows back in 2014 called Haven which was _also_ inspired by Stephen King's The Colorado Kid. I'm planning on adding a Gon Version of this, basically following Gon's POV instead, sometime soon but because I know how horrible I am at sticking to a schedule and I wanted to get this out for Killugon Day, I went ahead and decided to post this as a single fic and then Gon's POV as another when it's done.
> 
> Based on all the wonderful support I got on my last fic, I have decided to make all AU notes/vocab important for the world-building of the fic in a little picture of text below the cut like I did with I Want Something (Just Like This) from now on. Future fics will also have this format and will most likely include character sketches too, however this fic isn't much different from the canon world of HxH so I didn't feel it was necessary to have sketches this time.
> 
> I'm working on the Pokemon Trainers AU next, I promise, guys. *sweats*
> 
> Without further ado, I hope you enjoy.

> **_"Pain. Terrible, searing pain. One touch and you're doubled over on the floor, wishing you'd never been born._ **  
>  **_I can't touch anyone. I haven't been able to for years. Stop- what are you doing! ...You...don't feel that?"_ **
> 
> **_"No. That's my Trouble."_ **
> 
> **_\- Haven, Season 3_ **
> 
> **__ **
> 
> * * *

Killua is four the first time it happens.

He’s outside the walls of the mansion for the very first time, still unable to leave the grounds yet of course, when he sees Mike. Naturally, he wanted to pet the giant dog to feel his soft fur - feel anything softer than the rough leather of his family’s whips or the smack of fists against his skin - so he did. He reached out gently to the beast, patiently waiting for an owner’s touch.

And Mike screamed.

It was Killua’s Trouble, Illumi explained coldly, staring without an ounce of sympathy for the gigantic guard dog writhing on the ground in agony. His Trouble had caused this - had caused Mike’s pain. It would cause all the nerves in someone’s body to feel thousands upon thousands of shocks, signaling unimaginable pain to that person’s brain. Pain that would leave even someone like their dad unable to move, unable to bear it for more than a minute. 

His touch, Killua’s touch, would only bring pain, Illumi said. 

_ ‘He shouldn’t touch anyone ever again.’  _

_ ‘He wasn’t designed to do anything but hurt - anything other than kill.’ _

So that was what he did. 

* * *

Killua is six the first time he kills someone.

He feels the lifelessness in the man’s body, feels the empty shell in his hands - his small hands that can barely even hold the man’s arm. He thought he would feel remorse, feel regret for taking his life, but he doesn’t.

Instead, he just feels relief. Relief that the man is no longer wailing in pain from Killua’s slight tap on the shoulder. Relief that he is no longer begging Killua to just end his misery. 

Relief. That’s what he feels. 

He hates it.

He hates it the whole trip back home. He hates it as his father congratulates him. He hates it as he eats his ice cream reward, the vanilla bittersweet on his tongue. He hates it in bed that night as he cries into his pillow, muffling his sorrow from the ever-watching eyes of his mother and ever-listening ears of his grandfather. But the thing he hates the most is knowing this won’t be the last time he’s going to feel this way. 

He hates knowing this is what he was made for.

* * *

Killua is nine the first time he hugs someone.

He feels warm and safe, here in Alluka’s arms. She’s laughing and smiling and full of wonder and pain-free despite his touch. She’s an anomaly. She’s a freak, their family says.

Killua disagrees. He says she’s a miracle.

When Nanika first appeared in her body, the Zoldyck family was ecstatic. The entity with big black eyes and a haunting smile brought wishes upon wishes, capable of doing anything you could imagine, aside from removing a person’s Trouble for good. It was a power their family wanted to tame and use for their own gain, a way to kill with ease or obtain whatever they desired. As soon as they realized the drawback of such powers, however, this plan fell to the wayside, but a discovery was made one day by happenstance.

Alluka touched their father and, in an instant, he fell to sleep. 

It had shocked the family to their very core. Where the hardened assassin could once not force himself to rest, could not dream, could not even lay himself down at night - he now slumbered with the child’s hand on his own. His Trouble, the Trouble of insomnia that was less of a hindrance and more an advantage in his profession, had vanished just like that.

And with this discovery came a sentence for Killua’s little sister.

She was banished to the safe room, a place far and away from the Troubled members of the family. A place where she could not accidentally touch Illumi and remove his inability to feel emotions. A place where she would not grab for their mother’s hand and discard her cursed eyesight sensitive enough to see from miles away but strain in any light. A place where she could not reach anyone - could not solve a person’s Troubles.

A place where Killua could not reach her until he did.

* * *

Killua is eleven the first time he feels free.

He’s been saving up money from any and all of his commissioned kills for almost two years now, hiding it from everyone save Canary and Goto, two of only three people he truly trusts in this world, in a carved out tree trunk by Mike’s usual napping place. His family cares very little for the dog, much like every other living thing in their lives, so he figures it’s as good a place as any to conceal the funds, confident that Mike would keep it a secret as well considering he one, couldn’t talk, and two, adored Killua.

Jobs are taken and maps are charted from his time outside the walls of the estate, and soon Killua finds himself closer than ever to leaving the confines of this prison with his sister. The rides home from a kill order aren’t spent with stomachs filled with despised relief and are instead replaced with hope of clutching Alluka’s tiny and innocent hand in his own, guiding the girl beyond the lonely cage of her safe room into the outside world.

Time at home, where he can find it outside of training or torture, Killua sneaks for himself, working together with Goto to find a blindspot in his mother’s gaze to a trap corridor, finding his way back to Alluka. They play and talk and everything is fine for a few moments, here with her by his side, and he wishes it could always be like this.

So he plans to make sure that one day it  _ will  _ always be like this.

And then, it is.

They are curled up next to a heater months later, drinking hot cocoa in a hotel far away from the cold atmosphere on Kookuro Mountain, talking about nothing and everything simultaneously. He had scouted out this place many times on solo missions and found it safe here, a neutral territory outside of the Zoldyck influence, and run by the Hunter’s Association. 

While he still didn’t have much want to become one for himself, it was obvious that being a hunter had its perks when considering his new job as caregiver. Sure, he had money saved and it was better to lay low, but that couldn’t last forever nor would he ever ask Nanika to use her powers if they could help it. He wasn’t like his family - Nanika and Alluka were people, not tools to use. So a time would come when he’d have to provide for them with some type of job but he knew full well how little training he had outside of killing thanks to his upbringing. Becoming a hunter was probably his best bet, most able to choose similar daring jobs like being a bodyguard or a criminal hunter for just as much money. 

The thought of taking on a job to kill one of his family members and getting paid for it was pretty tempting too.

Alluka and he worked together to find out more about the exam, checking the internet and asking the staff at their hotel until they finally had a decent starting point. The next day they would leave for a hotel closer to the city and stop by a hunter-run restaurant, the supposed front to the entrance of the exam. He didn’t want to have to leave Alluka by herself, but if what he had heard from veteran exam takers was true, it was much too dangerous to have her tag along. 

With a heavy heart, he kissed his little sister on the forehead goodbye and told her to stay safe, calling out Nanika and giving her permission to protect the both of them however she saw fit. 

And then, he left.

* * *

Killua is eleven and a half the first time he holds someone’s hand.

He’s racing up a tunnel, faster than every other living being in the exam save one, eyes wide and heart thumping wildly.  It’s like how he feels with Alluka but more. It’s electric. It’s addictive. It’s-

It’s too good to be true.

Gon is too good to be true.

He lets himself enjoy it while he can - this blooming friendship. He knows it won’t last, he was made to hurt anyone but Alluka after all, but he savors it nonetheless. He jokes and teases and relaxes into a fleeting comfort, unable to resist just how normal it feels to be around Gon.

He lets himself pretend he isn’t Troubled.

But then Gon falls. 

They are in a system of hallways together with the old man, Kurapika, and the jackass who tried to poison them. A tiny trap in the corridors is tripped and the ground breaks and Gon is falling and Killua is reaching out and -

He catches him. 

He  _ catches  _ him.

He quickly pulls Gon up, hopes that the shock from his hand isn’t too bad, hopes that his friend will forgive him and understand he was just trying to help and-

“Ah. Thank you, Killua! Sorry about that, everyone!”

He freezes. 

Gon is just sitting there, face slightly pink and giggling a little to himself while Kurapika and the old man chastise him for his recklessness. Gon’s unphased - unhurt. 

“You didn’t feel that?” he asks.

Gon cocks his head in confusion. “Feel what?”

There’s no way - it was impossible, right? You don’t just  _ not  _ feel that type of torment from his touch. Not even his dad or grandpa could take a handshake from him but this kid. This kid felt nothing?

He grabs Gon’s hand again and holds it this time, taking in the boy’s expression for any signs of discomfort - for any signs that he was being affected at all - and nothing.  Instead, Gon’s smile only increases and he threads his fingers into Killua’s before giving a little laugh. 

“Oh! You meant if I felt how well your hand felt in mine just now? I get it, then yeah, I did! I didn’t know Killua was such a romantic!”

He feels his cheeks flush, reflexively releasing the boy’s hand at the comment. “ _ W- _ What?! No! Not  _ that,  _ I mean, they  _ don’t _ -” he scrambles for the words - “that’s not what I was talking about, stupid! I was asking about the sparks!” 

There had to be. He _had_ to at least feel a few sparks of electric pain.

“Oh, so there ‘re sparks too, huh? Man, Kid, never pegged you for such a smooth operator,” the old man comments, his and Kurapika’s faces equally amused by Killua’s words.

“I wasn’t-  _ Ugh! _ Fine, I’ll just show you-” 

“Hey, no need to be shy, Kid. We all fall in love at one point or another-  _ YEOW!  _ What the fuck?!! What the hell was that?!”

“See! That’s the  _ normal  _ response!” Killua exclaimed, gesturing to the old man now cradling his hand to his chest, small tears prickling at his eyes from Killua simply hovering his own hand near his.

“I’m not quite sure I follow,” Kurapika comments, inspecting the man’s hand. “What did you do?”

“I’m Troubled.” Killua wonders if that’s a good enough explanation, wonders if other people outside of his family could be Troubled as well. Judging by Kurapika’s softening expression, it was true.

“I see. Troubles with closeness, perhaps. The hedgehog’s dilemma.”

Killua frowns at his comment, unimpressed with whatever title he was bestowing upon this Trouble. He’s about to explain that it isn’t that deep, that he just hurts people he touches, but Gon interrupts.

“Oh! That’s no problem, Killua! Don’t worry, you can’t hurt me.”

Killua sighs. “Gon, you don’t have to put on a brave face. I’m just glad you know I didn’t do it on purpose-”

“No, I mean it, Killua. It didn’t hurt, it couldn’t.”

“Gon-”

“I can’t feel pain.”

* * *

Killua is twelve the first time he kisses someone.

It’s not that big of a deal, if he’s honest - it probably wouldn’t even be considered a real kiss by most people’s standards.

But it was - a kiss, that is. At least to him.

“Ow-! Gon, what the hell!” he spits out, searching for something - anything - to get his mind off of the phantom softness of Gon’s lips against his.

Gon, as carefree as ever, scratches his cheek and holds out a hand to help Killua up before apologizing. “My bad, sorry, Killua. I didn’t know you were in the room.” 

Now on his feet, Killua watches as Gon rubs his forehead and then takes a look at his palm, probably searching for signs of blood. Killua wants to scream.

“You’re fine, stupid. You didn’t hit me that hard, you just shouldn’t be moving around like that. What were you even doing?”

“Oh!” Seemingly remembering what he was doing before running into Killua, Gon grins wildly. “I wanted to focus on dodging again using Nen so that when I fight Gido, I can win this time. So, I’m training!”

Killua eyes Gon’s arm, still in a cast. “What about that?”

Gon’s grin grew larger still. “It’s all healed! Promise!”

“And how would  _ you  _ know that? You can’t even tell if you’re bleeding without feeling it run down your face or seeing it on your hands. You didn’t even know you broke your arm when it happened.”

“I swear! Ask Alluka, she’s the reason I found out! She was helping me change my bandages and I wasn’t hurting. Come on, Killua. You know I wouldn’t break my promise to Wing. I wouldn’t risk it!” Gon frets at him.

He relents, knowing full well that arguing with Gon was like talking to a brick wall. A brick wall with an alibi, at that.

“Sis, huh?” he asks. “Fine. I’m calling your bluff and asking her.”

He ignores Gon’s whines, leading the way back to his room and laughing to himself when Gon reluctantly follows, only to find Alluka contently sitting on the floor, cards in hand and an extremely focused Zushi facing her with his own deck.

Heh. Judging by the look on his sis’s face, she was winning.

“Oi, sis. Did you give Gon clearance?”

Alluka looks, slightly confused but nodding nonetheless. “Yes? I’m pretty sure it’s all healed but, Brother, what happened to your mouth?”

“Killua, are you bleeding-”

“Can it, Zushi.”

Killua smiles that night, resting in his and Alluka’s five-star Heaven's Arena suite and replaying Gon’s victory from the day where he easily triumphed over his rematch, no longer the same inexperienced nen user that he and Killua were before training under Wing. He thinks about how strong Gon has grown - though Gon always had been, he knew it the day he saw Gon come back with Hisoka’s badge number - and wonders just how strong Gon can become in the future. 

He thinks about whether Gon would be strong enough to fight against his family with him one day, if he could beat Illumi or his father, maybe even his  _ grandfather _ . He thinks that would be awesome, that it would be amazing to have another person on his side, keeping Alluka safe.

He thinks he could get used to this.

He doesn’t think about Gon’s lips (yes, he does).

* * *

Killua is twelve and one-sixth the first time he falls in love.

It’s not the kind of love you read about in books or watch in movies. It’s not two people kissing or holding hands or getting married or anything like that. It’s a quiet love.

He’s eating Mito’s homemade stew, listening to the crickets outside the kitchen window, their chirps interspersed with Gon and Alluka’s hushed giggles upstairs, both of them no doubt playing twenty questions instead of winding down for the night like Mito had suggested they do. The air is warm here on Whale Island, but not uncomfortably so. It’s comfy, homey, like the inn was that he and Alluka escaped to over a year ago (had it really been that long?) 

He loves it.

He loves it as the fireflies outside waltz to the tune of the summer wind, beckoning autumn to dare ruin their performance. He loves it as Mito dons a pair of rubber gloves and grabs his hand, insulating herself from his shock of isolation, before pressing their thumbs together with a fond ‘kiiiss~’, her resemblance to her nephew uncanny. He loves it as he sighs sweetly into his pillow, calling out goodnight to Gon and Alluka, belly full of stew and dreams and anything but regret. But the thing he loves the most is knowing this won’t be the last time he’s going to feel this way. 

He loves knowing that even if this wasn’t what he was made for, there are people that were made for him.

* * *

Killua is one day short of fourteen the last time he kills someone.

It’s a promise he makes to himself, saving his sister from some freak NPC in the game that dared set his eyes on her. 

Even though the body before him is only made up of ones and zeroes, was only brought to life by someone’s nen, the blood underneath his claws and staining his shirt feels just like the real thing - a fact that gives him no comfort in the slightest. It’s strange how alien the feeling of killing is now, how foreign and distant the idea of slaughter is. He thought he had become numb to it, but it seems like life with Gon and Alluka had spoiled him - a fact that  _ is  _ a comfort. 

So he decides it, sitting next to his sister as Gon and Bisky count up their cards: he’s never going to kill again. He doesn’t have to anymore.

Bisky scans through the collection and smiles, picking out the cards for Gon to keep. “So, I’ll take Blue Planet and, Gon, you want the Magnetic Force, correct?”

“Yeah. Alluka, are you  _ sure  _ you don’t mind? I mean-” 

“I’m sure! It was my idea in the first place and I already had to convince Brother, I don’t want to have to do the same with you. Nanika and I both want you to meet Ging, so we’ll help anyway we can. Are you sure I can keep the Paladin necklace when you’re done, though? I think it’s really pretty but if you or Brother called dibs…?” She turns the question back on Gon.

“Of course you can, it’s the least I can do!” 

Alluka checks with Killua too and laughs at his blank stare. As if she even had to ask him. 

“Okay, then it’s decided,” Bisky smiles. “Shall we go?”

They all cheer, making their way to the main castle, Gon ready to meet the makers of the game and claim his prize. Killua waves at him good luck along with his sister, their free hands clasped together as they sit and wait with Bisky for his return. She plays with his fingers, commenting that he should let her paint them, and Killua is reminded again how different life is with her by his side.

His hands were designed to kill, but Gon and Alluka reminded him that it wasn’t all they were good for.

* * *

Killua is fourteen the last time he falls in love.

It’s still not like the movies nor the books, still not two people kissing or holding hands or getting married or anything like that. But it’s not a quiet love anymore, either. No, this is the loudest love has ever been.

He, Alluka, and Gon are standing on top of the world, on top of the clouds, and on top of a tree. Gon’s shitty dad sits there smugly, his unkempt hair and scruffy stubble anticlimactic to the legends and effort that it took to reach him. Ging complains to Gon that he wasn’t supposed to bring a friend - two friends, at that - and that he was disappointed, but invites them to sit with him and enjoy the view regardless. 

He blushes as Gon introduces him to Ging as his best friend and shocks the bastard with a handshake when he asks him if his son meant ‘boyfriend’ instead. After he recovers, Alluka asks about the Dark Continent, calling out Nanika to ask as well, but it seems he too does not have many answers, or, at the very least, is uninterested in sharing. What they do share instead is stories of their travels, of their sights, of their lives and, as the sun sets, Ging waves the trio goodbye, giving his son a lackluster farewell and asking him to say hello to Mito for him. 

Then, like he was never there to begin with, he’s gone again.

Fourteen years Gon has chased Ging the idea and as a reward, he was met with Ging the person. Killua wants to laugh at fate, laugh at the gods, for their sense of humor. Gon, on the other hand, seems just fine with this outcome. 

And that pisses Killua off even more.

“Can’t believe you’re related to _that._ The dude’s a total bum. I don’t get how you can be so chill about it. ”

Alluka pouts at him, reminding him that Ging  _ is  _ Gon’s dad and that he should be more sensitive, but doesn’t voice disagreement on the opinion. His sister was an amazing person but even she couldn’t find a nice thing to say about the man except for the fact that his Nen aura seemed strong and, unlike her brother, she wasn’t good at lying. Gon only laughs nonchalantly, commenting that he finally understood why Mito fought him for custody now. 

They head back to the inn, tired from the trek down the tree (at least Alluka had teleported them to Gon who was already on top, waiting for them). They are curled up next to a heater, drinking hot cocoa in a hotel, talking about nothing and everything simultaneously - he, Alluka, and now Gon - just like when they first left home yet not the same at all. Where he felt free that day, the whole world ahead of them, he now felt anything but.

Gon had found Ging, so what was there left for him to hunt?

Nothing. That was the obvious answer. 

Gon finished his mission, did what he wanted to do, and now he would go back home - back to Whale Island. It made perfect sense, the logical thing to do, but Killua couldn’t help but find the idea horrifying. 

So he can’t sleep. He lays there on the roof of the inn, looking to the heavens for an answer, afraid of the answer he came to himself and that Gon would no doubt give him if he asked.

But, of course, as it always had been since meeting him, Gon ignored all sense of caution and joined him anyway, either too oblivious or stubborn to care if Killua wanted to be alone with the stars. And, of course, as it always had been since meeting him, Killua couldn’t say no to Gon’s company.

“Just admit it. He was a letdown.”

He doesn’t look at Gon, resolute that even if he now had company, he still wanted to brood for a bit. Gon would be leaving soon, so he could brood if he wanted, he deserved it.

“Mm. Yeah, he kinda was.”

“So why doesn’t that piss you off?” 

“Hmm. I don’t know, really. I guess I had this picture of him in my head, from all the stories about him from Mito, and I sorta knew he’d never live up to that.” Gon says, calm as could be. 

He seems content with this confirmation, somehow, though Killua can’t for the life of him see why.

“Then why search for him if you never expected it’d be worth it?” he asks.

Gon’s quiet, the quietest Killua has ever seen him, and the air is still. For a moment, they’re on Whale Island, looking up at the stars and talking about how he and Alluka would travel with Gon until they found Ging, Alluka interested in learning more about the Dark Continent where Nanika was from and he interested in staying together with Gon. But then, Gon opens his mouth and they’re here again - back on the roof. Back to the present. 

Back to reality. 

“Because it  _ was  _ worth it.”

Killua turns and faces him finally.

“I got to meet you, didn’t I?”

_ Oh. _

Gon smiles, eyes crinkled and blush high on his cheeks.

No, this love was anything but quiet.

* * *

Killua is fifteen the first time it happens.

He’s walking with Gon’s hand in his right and Alluka’s in his left, discussing their next destination. There’s no blood, no screams, no pain.

Killua is fifteen the first time he has no Trouble. 

**Author's Note:**

> As is the case with every other fic in this collection, the title was taken from lyrics of a song, the song for this one being [You For Me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mj3vMuupUS0) by Terra Naomi, another blast from that not so long ago past. Fair warning, it is sickeningly sweet but it makes me very happy listening to it. 
> 
> Hope you guys are staying safe despite all the horrible things going on in the world. Have a great day/night.


End file.
